Beetle Day

April 3, 2016

  Halo! Toeday is beetle day! Wee doughnt no wot thatmeens but Chris is mumbling abart it. There is beetle Jon wit had glasses and wot is ded, beetle pol and sum others. We call all beetles mister or hey you! If we are in a rush. Coz we lik to flu abart on them. Chris sayes these beetles aren’t the reel ones an ar a bit rubbish. Wee fort they mite be lik ants what ar carreeein pis… mustachios  nut shells coz thay look lik a beetle if you screw up your eyes enough.

Cris his stil sulking toeday coz stu’s furry from is getting he upset. It’s silly questions like shoo me nuffink wot you haf not got wych dozent mak cents but then nuffink cris doz maks cents. He does these paintins do us an wee sayes. Wi doughnt you tak a pikture wife acamra? They he sayes we is fiktonal carwreckers or summink an say he mai kneed to goe tu a special hopstipal if he tawks tu us too long. We did sum more piktures toeday wile cris whent  toeday foe a waalk. Heed doz that ever dai az it helps wiff his depreshion depreeesum?  Missereesulkitisss? Sad stuff! He licked them batter toeday as he had philled mor from in an added up sum hard sums. I fink his harthertles toeday an hiz pils dint mak he quwiteso il. He sad weee cud doo the blog thing a bit longer sew long as weeee behave more.  


If you want to get some hate, get a hat. (or at least think about it)

February 4, 2015

If You Want To Get Ahead...I think it’s fairly safe to say that I have a fairly shaky relationship with the art world. I am very uncomfortable with the word “artist” I’m not even sure what it means, I mean, I know I am one, but I couldn’t really tell you why. There are some things you just know, like who you love, or who you hate. Just what it art? Well according to Google it is “the expression or application of creative skill and imagination, typically in a visual form such as painting or sculpture, producing works to be appreciated primarily for their beauty or emotional power” So how does conceptual art fit into that? Who defines what’s beautiful? What has emotional power? It’s all subjective, a baby being born, a goal being scored, Hitler’s Nuremberg rallies, a pair of new trainers fresh out of the box. They are all beautiful or emotionally charged to someone. Everything in art is subjective, this becomes more apparent when you look at the submission form for a contemporary art exhibition.  There are spaces to describe your potential installation and time limits for the length of your sound. Maharishi HatIt was at this point I started to feel a little out of my depth and my attention drifted towards a bit of internet window shopping. It was at this point I spotted a rather fetching new hat in Maharishi’s January sale and it happened to cost the exact same amount of money as the show’s submission fee. Hmmm….! So cogs started a whirring… a rejection letter… or a new hat… I’d pretty much already made my mind up but I thought I’d get a bit of advice from my chums on Facebook. At first I was pleasantly surprised, there was lots of support, lots of “give it a go”. Truth be told, I was slightly disappointed, I really wanted that hat. So I’m pondering about what to submit, I wanted to enter the maximum five to get my money’s worth. When up pops this comment on Facebook. “Oh so now you’re interested in people. The rest of the time you’re telling us what a load of idiots we are lol” Now I have to admit I was really hurt by this, I’m not the strongest person at the best of times, and things really do get to me. Particularly when they are so untrue. Now I won’t lie, I do fire off the occasional broadside at people. That said, you have to do something pretty bad to get a slating from me, being a tory minister, a mass murdering New Labour Prime Minister or an atos employee will usually do the trick. But think everyone’s an idiot? W.T.F??? Now I wouldn’t have minded so much if it was attached to one of my many rants about the government, but this one was attached to the end of a really positive thread. So I’m scratching my head trying to work out what all this was about. I managed to piss a few people off a while back with my views on camping (don’t like it!) Was it to do with that? It turns out not but more of that later. There was a “lol” at the end but does that change the intention? Let’s see “I hope you die of something horrible! lol!” is that funny? Not really. So as my world came crashing down around me (I suffer from clinical depression by the way) I took myself off of Facebook and took to my bed for a day. I suffered, my girlfriend suffered, my friends suffered and my family suffered. All because one spiteful person wanted to take their frustration out on someone. Now one of the problems with mental illness is that you constantly question your reactions. Was that reasonable? Did I imagine that? Am I overreacting? You become filled with doubts until you don’t know your own mind any more. I sat and thought about my past interactions with this person, who I barely knew and who barely knew me. When was the last time she liked one of my posts? As far as I can remember never. Had she done anything like this before? Well, she had left a comment to the effect that I was only happy when I was moaning. I was moaning at that point, true. But always? Hardly! Now, I’m not going to blow my own trumpet but I think I do quite a bit of good in the world. I think her comments say more about what she takes notice of than anything about me as a person. So I was pretty sure this wasn’t me losing the plot. After losing a day I figured that I needed to do something with this, to reclaim the situation for myself. So I though, “Sod it! I’ll buy the hat, paint myself in it and submit it for the show” Turn the whole thing into a performance art piece. Result! So I did. I ordered the hat, got myself back on Facebook, blocked said person and got on with my day. 2015-01-20 12.48.15Now it turns out that the person in question took umbrage at my blocking her and preceded to gloat about it on her fb page, something which gave me a deal of satisfaction as it proved that I wasn’t going mad and that she was indeed out to get me.  Later, I found out why. Now apparently she took offence to a comment I made on New Year’s Eve wishing everyone good luck with their hangovers the following day. Apparently she felt that I was taking a sideswipe at everyone involved with a local New Year’s Eve bash that she helped organise. Eh? How did she work that out? Does she assume herself and one New Year’s Eve bash so important that I need to rail against her incandescent wonders? Hardly! It’s a big old world out there and I know an awful lot of people far outside the seaside town where I live and which I love. Truth be told, I don’t really care what anyone does on NYE or any other night of the year. I am dyspraxic, dyslexic and I suffer from anxiety and clinical depression. When anyone wants me to go to a party of any kind I have a stock answer. “Why not just stick a metal dustbin over my head and hit it repeatedly with a plank of wood? It would be cheaper and I wouldn’t need to get dressed up for it.” Harsh but true. So anyway, determined to claim my life back, I got the hat, painted myself in the hat and now I’m filling in the form as part of the submission process. I spent last night attempting to create an artist’s statement. What’s that all about? It is not enough to make art (whatever that is) but now I have to say why I do it. It seems to me like those Miss World speeches in the bad old days of the seventies when women who’s breast were trying to escape from a too small swimming costume would explain how they wanted to help sick children or animals in the developing world. I think I’m almost there now, my girlfriend described the result as the final nail in the coffin of my art career, so job done! Anyway, whether I get accepted or not, this is not the end of the story. If I get let through the door I will tell you what will happen next. If not, I have something else up my sleeve. But whatever happens, the whole thing is a thing, Carl Andre couldn’t have done better.

Blockaboots – The best shoes (n)ever made.

October 12, 2009

blockabootsBeing a typical crap bloke who won’t go to the doctors unless I lose a limb in a random chainsaw accident I have been trying to treat my knackered ankle by wearing basketball boots. Apparently, due to all this 80’s retro business that is oh so popular at the moment, hi tops are very “in”.

So there I was, trawling through ebay for said footwear when a thought struck me. What would be the only retro shoe that could definitely never come back into fashion?  The answer was clear, the Blockaboot!

The what? I hear you ask.


Back in 1976 there was a schools television program called Good Health, the sort of thing you would end up watching if you were off school for the day. Being the seventies, there was nothing else on during the day. It was either that or the test card. The premise of one particular episode was to promote the wearing of sensible footwear by suggesting that everyone’s feet would go on strike (did I mention this was 70’s Britain?) if they were forced to wear ill fitting shoes.

The example of bad footwear was pretty much a sandal on stilts with another sandal stuck to the base. Unfortunately, the whole lesson of the show was lost on me and for the past thirty odd years I have dearly wished to own a pair. The disappointment I felt when I realised that they were fictional footwear was one of the most profound of my life.

Rocking Horse ShoesI guess the nearest thing ever brought into production was Vivienne Westwood’s Rocking Horse Shoe but they were actually well designed, if somewhat scary (See left). What I want is something that is utter rubbish, ridiculous and will give me endless hours of fun tottering about the house in. In short, the perfect style item.

So if you are in the shoemaking industry, please make me some blockaboots. Or preferably, make enough for the whole world as wars could never be fought if everyone was shuffling about at one mile a day on a rickety platform shoe tied on by a piece of ribbon.

You can see the original t.v show here…

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