I went to a wedding today, I’m trying to remember when the last time I dressed up for something other than a funeral and it seems like years. I’m not a fan of going out at the best of times but this was a celebration, which helped. I like people, well, some of them, but I like them best sober and in small numbers, like one or two at a time. I gave up on parties a while ago as listening to other people’s music doesn’t make me happy and neither does trying to interpret the inane babbling of drunk people. I remember that last couple of parties I went to and they were exercises in torture, there were all these people who assumed that they were interesting for no other reason than they dressed loudly, danced a bit and turned up to things. I’m sure there were a few people at those things who I would have liked regardless but most of those that were jumping about to music in some arbitary manner and acting all zany because they had had a bit to drunk but I watched it all going on and it left me cold. It did not help that I had met many of them before, although I was of no interest to them so was deemed invisible as I hadn’t registered on their internal coolometer. I remember things like that though, how we treat those that aren’t deemed of use and I saw plenty of them. Today was much the same as those previous occasions, I spent most of the evening alone but in a crowd, cut off by my inability to make out conversations through the music.
There was purpose to this, being a friend’s special day and celebration, as opposed to the last few occasions in which I discovered what my purpose in life had become and it was that of a human handbag, I was nothing more than an accessory to be dragged out and paraded for show as proof of someone’s ability to pull. I hated every moment and it was clear to anyone with eyes that I was suffering for being there. The thing is though that no one was really looking, amidst the string of constant parties and events that I was starting to be dragged to, everyone was far too self absorbed to be doing anything other than be concerned with their own image and personal gratification. The thing that was perfectly clear to me was that there was no other reason for me to be there than someone else’s vanity. I think the thing that has always been clear to me is that if someone else’s happiness is down to you being miserable, there is something deeply wrong.
There is something deeply pathetic about much of socialising and people’s motivations for doing it. There are a few genuine souls who simply love music and want to dance but most people’s motivations are much more tragic. Many are desperately trying to belong, to feel like part of a crowd, many are trying to pretend that they are something they are not, like cool or trendy or popular. Many are desperate to be noticed and pretend they aren’t as lonely as they are inside. The saddest of all though are those whose homes are so sad and lonely that they cannot bear to be in them and cannot bear to be alone. I may be lonely now and I may have my problems but being uncomfortable in my own company isn’t one of them, I’m happy in my home and my life is full enough that I’m not in need of grabbing hold of any old crap to fill it. Mostly though, what keeps me feeling happy is that everyone in my life it there for a good reason and there is no one left whoi s happy to make me unhappy for any other reason than to just prove that, in some strange way, they own me. I am certainly no one’s handbag.