Something lovely happened to me today, I was sitting having a coffee in my favourite cafe and I got given a book by my friend the dancing postman (you know who you are 😉 ) on Buddism and Zen for my birthday. The really strange thing was that I had just started on the very first page of Freakonomics, a study of the economics of crime, the two things couldn’t be more different. As I waded through the first twenty or so pages of illustrated explanations I learnt that all the crap that gets thrown at me is supposed to teach me lessons that I need to learn, lessons about myself. Some seem straightforward and others more obscure and convoluted but the general gist is that I still have a long way to go.
I am open to learning anything I can really and I feel particularly stuck at the moment, mainly because I have been feeling very angry of late. As of today, I have been waiting for an explanation / apology for one hundred and eighty two days in a row. The hurt, upset and disbelief at the shittyness of something as basic as an explanation of things that came to light have eaten away at me to the point of causing physical harm and for the last month I’ve had stomach pains every day, then could be stress, they could be indigestion, they could be an ulcer or something dire and cancerous eating away at my insides but, as it is quite clear that common human decency is woefully lacking in this situation, I have little choice but to resolve my own internal conflict to this lack of fundemental rightness and hope karma or natural justice sorts everything out before I end up having another stay in hospital.
Contrary to what some might think, I spend most of my time usually being quite laid back and philosophical about life. Truth be told, if I seem cross, pissed off, upset, to you, whoever you are, then you are probably not a very nice person as the things that upset me are rudeness, hypocrisy, thoughtlessness, greed, corruption, dishonesty, cruelty, jealously and cowardlyness. There! I think I covered everything! I’m sure I am probably guilty of some of those myself from time to time but I am happy to acknowledge that and deal with it as best as I can. As I mentioned a while back, I know so much more about local people than is good for me, knowing who’s a sex pest, knowing who got off without a warning from getting someone killed or robbing someone blind. I even see my troll or one of them, the jury is still out on that, and it is of little comfort that they have piggy eyes, a face like a bucket full of of badly mixed wallpaper paste and an arse that is far fatter than mine, as they are clearly not fit to be doing the job they are doing. I haven’t even watched the news for some eighteen months now, what’s there to see? It just repeats ad infinitum, it will do it regardless of whether I watch it or not, it doesn’t need me to be there. That’s not to say I do nothing, I focus on actions rather than reactions, you can affect change that way.
Regardless of the cyclone of shit that is the political and world stage there is plenty to be happy about. These are a few of the things that make me happy. The sunlight on my skin, clouds, lightning, thunder and heavy rain when I’m tucked up indoors, gentle breezes on my skins, books, the smell of them, the sound of pages being flicked and reading a good one of course. Colours, just looking at the colours of things is wonderful, all the senses are pretty nifty to an extent but bad music, annoying sounds and nasty smells definitely gives sight the edge over the rest. I love making things, I love paint, particularly watercolour and acrylic. Acrylic paiint is so visceral, you can feel it between your fingers and move it around, lovely stuff! Friends are fantastic, food can be wonderful, baths… Bloody hell, aren’t baths a wonderful? And really nice fluffy towels. I do like toys and bright plastic crap I’m ashamed to say. Oh! Coffee! Wow! Is that stuff amazing. Tea is nice too, but coffee. A really good mug, such a lovely thing, ceramics in general are a marvel. Denby is good, Cornish blue, a jolly bit of whittards or some la creuset, drinking from a nice mug always makes such a difference. I do like a bit of Nintendo or Apple, dreadful I now but I do. Pens…. Really nice pens. I haven’t even started on clothes and shoes, I’d be here all year.
Sex and love are both wonders but they are tied up with so much unhappiness too so I won’t say any more about them as right now the good and bad have cancelled each other out. That is quite a bit of stuff that makes me happy though and that is just off the top of my head, I’m sure their is much much more. The point is, that I am working towards a default state of loving life, gut rot and wankers aside, it is pretty darn amazing to behold and experience and too short to waste on doing pointless shit with or for pointless people, yet so many do.
I hope I pick up a bit more wisdom on taking life more in my stride and I really do hope I stop feeling quite so physically ill because life is a marvellous thing and, shitty people aside, I would like it to make me happy rather than miserable.