It’s my birthday soon, I’m going to be forty seven years old. As of Saturday I will have outlived Oscar Wilde, JFK, Philip Seymore Hoffman and Albert Camus. Erm, yay me! To be honest, just being alive with my health problems and the crap I have had thrown at me is enough of a present really but, as I have done now for many years, I know what I’m getting for my birthday because I bought my own presents. I have sadly learnt from experience that the only person responsible for my happiness is me. So this year, I shall be unwrapping… Two gundam model kits from Japan, a Mario Amiibo so my fat, balding, avatar can whizz around the Mario kart circuits in a fancy new Mario outfit, I have two new t-shirts and the new Takashi Murakami book from his show in Chigago. There is one thing else I want, and it’s something that I know I won’t get… But more of that later.
I have already been absolutely spoilt for my birthday this year in the form of an artwork. My very talented friend Helen popped over last week and spent the morning drawing elements from my home as an early birthday present. I go a bit wobbly lipped whenever I look at it as I can’t remember the last time someone took the effort to make me something. There is an addendum to that present though and that is I have finally got to a point where I don’t feel anxious about having my femail friends popping over to visit again and I no longer have jealous people in my life. For so many years, decades in fact, it wasn’t a problem, I took everything at face value and didn’t give anyone a sexual preference in terms of friendship. To be honest, the only question I ever have now is when someone befriends someone many years younger than themselves as i fail to see what anyone could have to talk about with someone in their teens or early twenties and they are my age. To me, that would be getting into Radio 1 deejay territory, but maybe that is just me. It is nice though, feeling comfortable with the lack of guilt I have with whom I have in my world. That is a present on its own although the circumstances of that gift still grate on me daily.
I will get lots of phone calls and I shall get taken out somewhere nice and generally get spoilt rotten but I will be denied the one present I want because none of them can give it to me, it’s not in their power to.
The other present I would like? Well, it, or to be more accurate, they, as there are more than one of them, are answers. Honest answers to some straight forward questions. I can’t even say what those questions are for legal reasons but there are definitely some “why?” questions, some “what?” questions and also a few “when?” questions. I suspect there is also a “who?” question (probably) linked to a “when?” and a “where?” also quite a few “what?” questions. It is pointless me asking though as I know I will never get straight answers, partly through some misguided fear of my response, but mostly because a level of self awareness can be a dangerous thing. After all, if any of us actually take a look at our actions and our motivations for those actions, we might actually have to make some changes, and then where would we be?
So….. as honesty and self realisation have a value beyond diamonds and pearls, perhaps I should ask for….. drum roll…… I want…. A miniature Shetland pony! Still more easy to procure than the truth and so, sooooooo, cute!