Angry

I am seriously worried about the anger I am feeling right now, not because I’m going to go postal, as the Americans say but more in case swallowing so much of it will give me some form of cancer. There must be something very peculiar about the postal system in America as I don’t think I’ve met a single British postal worker I didn’t like. There is one I know who is particularly lovely, deeply spiritual, and one of the most wise and level people that I have met. Some days I wish I could be more like him and I have tried lots of things along the spiritual path but they just aren’t me. There are a lot of sham pseudo spiritual things out there too, things that prey on the vulnerable and the week minded, shortcuts to wisdom and happiness where you attend a few courses, try a few quick fixes out and people tell you exactly what you want to hear. You can always spot these sad people by the phrases they use, challenge instead of attack is a common one,  and the brittle nature of their happiness, as if their world would shatter if you poked it too hard.

Contrary to the impression someone who didn’t know me would get if they read my Facebook feed, I am a pretty chilled out person usually. There isn’t much that I take that seriously, I’m not a money person, I’m not vain and I’m the first person to take the piss out of myself. The only thing that gets me upset is unkindness and boy does that upset me. Like a lot of chronic anxiety and depression sufferers, I have far too much empathy and I really struggle when I get near selfish, egotistical or cruel people. When the people next door start a fire in a residential area, late afternoon, and sit by it drinking til late into the night whilst everyone else swelters with their windows shut, I can’t comprehend the level of thoughtlessness, selfishness and unkindness capable of doing such a thing. When I see people lie, cheat, bend the rules to breaking point, use nepotism to get people into jobs they aren’t fit to do, twist people’s perceptions of events, steal ideas, bully and bribe, I get upset because I could not comprehend those things not eating away at someone. This is the reason that I don’t go out much locally and I keep to the company of a rare few, truly lovely, people.

It shouldn’t be like this, the sun is shining, the birds are singing and the world looks beautiful, mind you… some of the people seem bloody ugly, on the inside that is. I guess though, if it wasn’t so nice, the scumbag neighbours would be entrenched in their grotty basements, getting the cold and damp in their bones, perhaps that is actually contributing to this feeling, maybe the rain helps keep all the arseholes indoors, where nice people don’t have to deal with them? It’s worth considering…

It’s an interesting aside that all of the most selfish and unkind people I have ever met seem to be employed in some form of social work, perhaps they need a break from their day job by being absolutely vile outside of it or maybe they feel the world owes them a bit of nastiness for the good they think they do and that they are still morally ahead of the game. Who knows? Whatever it is though, it’s bloody hypocritical. 

The world right now seems to have slipped a gear and gone into horrific mode, the election in the uk has brought all the worst out in people on all sides, it’s particularly apparent on the left locally as things have started to turn ugly and petty. It seems as if they feel that their moral high ground is a great place from which to hurl abuse. It doesn’t aid their cause though , quite the opposite in fact. Maybe the right are just so permanently awful that they have nowhere left to go at times of extreme as they are already there? There is nastiness all around though and it’s hard not to pick it up. 

I suppose the simple solution is just to stop caring, to sink into the garbage pile with the rest of the vermin and totally fail to have a conscience. It would be a welcome break I guess… but there is something in me that prevents me from being that shallow and empty. I’m not sure what the answer to this is, I just wish it would stop.

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