I have to admit that I’ve lost my way a bit over the last month or two, culminating with an event last weekend that knocked the wind out of my sails. I am usually very focused on what I want achieve and how I need to do it but the general stupidity/insanity of the world and indeed my own personal integrations left me feeling like a giraffe on roller skates. After making a decision I didn’t want to make, I was at my lowest ebb and there is only so long you can hide under the duvet before the world starts to tug at the corners and demand attention. After way too long in my pyjamas I was so muddle headed and I think a actually muttered out loud how badly I had lost my way…
It was then it came to me, it was simple, I needed a map. Unfortunately a map to your own mind is not the sort of thing you can find online, or even somewhere like the amazing map shop Stanfords Nr Covent Garden. I used to love that place, particularly for its maps of the moon. So in the absense of that, I thought I’d best design my own. How do you begin though?
I’ve met some utterly amazing people in my life and also some complete disasters. The thing is though with people who have fucked up their lives, even the most mad and ruined of the homeless that I know, it so rare for them to admit it. Having had to face that hurdle myself though, I know the utter relief that comes when you finally face how badly you have messed things up as it is only then that you can take steps to remedy the situation. Of the people I know who have been brave enough to admit what a balls up the have made of their lives, you hear the same story. It is never just one thing, no one ever wakes up one day and goes “Do you know what? I am going to completely ruin my one and only go on this planet!” It’s almost always a slow accumulation of actions and circumstance. Sure, there may be one pivotal occurance that knocks everything off kilter, but it all will have been building up beforehand.
We make one bad choice and that leads us down a path, a bad friend, drugs, wrong relationship, wrong job, this bad choice sets us up for the next thing, the bad friends of the bad friends, criminal record, long term illness, missed opportunity and that puts us in a place where we are vulnerable to more bad things. It’s often a long, slow process, there are no sign posts, no lines in the sand, we may in hindsight be able to look back and be able to pinpoint the exact moment where it all went wrong, but, when it was happening, it was just another day. Often, when we are in an awful place, we won’t even know it, our perceptions dictate our reality and trying to point out to someone who is fucking up that they are indeed fucking up is just like explaining the existence of dolphins to the ants at the bottom of your garden.
What I’ve been trying to do is work out where the drift is, which thought, feeling or emotion leads to which. What I have done so far is only a first go, there is plenty that is missing or needs to be tinkered with. It serves its purpose though as I now know roughly where I am again. I’m somewhere around the mountains of self awareness, it’s not an easy path to take, but sorting yourself out takes a lot of hard work. It’s worth it when you do though as you end up in a better place than when you started, but whilst you are there, you often wish your were somewhere that involves less effort, the woods of avoidance say.
I will sort it out but I won’t bust a gut over it. I’m getting very tired now and the place I am definitely not in right now is the forest of sleepless nights.