I’ve been have a real sense of unease lately, like there is something gravely wrong with my world. What is odd is that everything is really quite lovely. I’ve slacked off a bit over the last month or so, caught up with old friends and made new ones. That said, I’ve still done a load of artwork by most people’s standards, just not mine. I feel a bit guilty for not running myself into the ground as I often do and yet I’ve sold paintings, completed design projects and, more importantly, actually got paid proper money. And yet…
And yet there is something not quite right. I live in that perpetual horror that unbeknownst to me, I have missed the boat somewhere, missed a deadline somehow. Not the pay that bill by such and such a day sort of deadline but more one of those unspoken and unmarked deadlines that everyone has whether they care to admit it or not. There are a few that I have had to come to terms with over the years, I knew from an early(ish) age that I would never own my own home. My income is too erratic and I am too high a suicide risk to qualify for the required life insurance. The way I deal with this is by abstraction, I mean, really, who owns anything? It’s just borrowed from the world for as long as we live, or it ends up being sold by the state to pay for and old folks home. Plus there are the repairs, getting stuck in an unsellable home… Property in a pain in the arse… Well, that’s my story and I’m sticking to it.
I’ve had come to terms with knowing that I will never be a father over the past few years, I could, technically for a long time yet but it would be deeply selfish and irresponsible to father children with my poor health and limited means. Granted, it doesn’t stop most people but it would be a cruelty to the child. Fortunately I am blessed with two lovely nephews and one lovely step nephew, all special in their own way. One of them bunked off school to meet Jeremy Corbyn last week of which I’m rather proud. I’d like to think I had some positive influence on them but I guess that is the real problem, so many people try and live vicariously through their children. They forget that they are people in their own right rather than an addendum to themselves.
Ok then, so it’s not being a home owner or a father then what of the other boats I missed? Marriage? Hmm? That can go either way. Success? I can reel off a list of cool things I’ve done but I would hardly say I’m a success… Not a failure either though..
So… what’s going on?
I just get the feeling there is something I should be doing, I’ve been around people all my life who have avoided things, bottled out, missed chances, made excuses and took the easy way out that I’m terrified of doing it myself. The weird thing is though that it’s possible to do something and nothing at the same time. Like finding pointless things to fill up time and avoid making a brave or difficult decision or action. So many lives are the eqivalent of balling up socks, make work for cowardly people writing excuse notes for lives barely lived. “Please miss, the dog ate it.”
The thing that worries me most is the things I haven’t thought of, like the day past which I should have stopped taking liberties with my health many years ago or some abitrary decision I made that sent me on a path, hurtling me to my eventual doom.
With so much of what we do now we can set little reminders on our phones, google calendars , what have you. Little beeping messages to tell us when to go to the dentist, the gym, meet someone for coffee. My phone never beeps though to tell when I should have visited that relation before they died, told someone how much I love them or when it was officially too late to say I’m sorry about something or other. The real stuff, the important stuff, that’s down to our judgement…. Oh dear!
I dunno, maybe it’s nothing, mabybe I just think too much, just me bring weird again I expect. Ho hum…