Oh dear, here it comes again. The sunny evening thing. The mushroom pasta bake I have made is just cooking in the oven and I’m sitting on the sofa as the birds are tweeting and the golden haze of pre sunset light streams in through the windows. It’s a beautiful day out there and I live in a place surrounded by areas of outstanding beauty with things to do a plenty. So why aren’t I out there in it? Well, the sad and simple answer to that is, “who with?” It’s that frisky Spring thing where couples are out doing couply things and, well, the singletons are out trying not to be, throwing themselves into everything going in that hope of finding a special someone. The reality of course will be another average anybody and a bit more disappointment to add to the burgeoning scrap heap before back to an empty house and an emptier life. It’s also a perfect night to be single and out on the town with all one’s single chums doing that, in no way desperate, “look at me having fun, could I be having any more fun? No I couldn’t, because I am having the bestsest time in the world with all my friends and my friends are the most amazing people in the world.” sort of thing. And then there is me, at home yet again, alone, very alone. Alone and also very honest to myself and about myself, so much so that all the usual lies that most people tell themselves do not work on me. No I won’t be joining everything going in the hope of finding that special someone or artificially making my life more meaningful, no I won’t go and find a friend as lonely as me to spend the evening with and kid myself I’m having fun. Instead I will take a deep breath, get on with my art and everything else that will make a real and practical difference to my world and the sun will set and the feeling will go. Then, by the time I have had a nice hot bath and got my pyjamas on, I shall be so relieved to not have been sucked in by the lure of the sunny spring evening that ends in a cold and lonely journey home.
Why is it though? Why do we do this to ourselves? Day after day, year after year, we never learn. Some things are hard wired on an animal level and I guess the need to go out and seek romance in Spring is one of them and yes, there it is, that longing is there but I have shoved it in some metaphorical broom cupboard and shut and locked the door. Maybe one day I will find that special someone to do the sunny spring thing with but not here and not now, in the place my life is in right now I will only find unhappiness and complications. I have enough of those already.
So the spring thing can spring off somewhere else. I’m done with you for now. Goodbye! Boing!