Wot I did on my holidaze 

I’ve been feeling a bit frazzled for a while now. Disappointing people, predictably shitty events, blah, blah, blah, blah. What I really need is a holiday….

Strike that! What I really need is to dump about thirty people on a remote island and sink the ferry but there is a reason I’m not left in charge of anything. 

The problem with holidays though is, well, you have to leave home. There’s the traffic jams, the airports, the people, the people, the people and the people. People on the plane, people frisking you at the airport, people getting in your way, people rinsing you for every penny because you look like such a tourist. The real reason though is that I have no partner to go with and that if you have no one to share an experience like exploring a new place or a new culture then you might as well not bother, well not if you are good at daydreaming anyway.

A life coach I used to see for a few years said a very interesting thing to me once, ( Disclaimer. This is her saying it rather than me thinking it about myself and still it makes me cringe to write it.) “with the mind you have and the imagination you have, there is no point to you ever going to a party or anywhere much at all. Most people need so much constant external stimuli as they have very little going on in their minds.” Please note, not me saying it, trained professional. And…….. Vomit!

So, holiday needed, no partner to go with, a little bit of money earned recently but not enough to do anything life changing with. So…. It’s time for a trip to Hyrule! Yay!

Ok, it’s taken me a long while to internally justify the cost of getting there but I figured that this is only the sort of indulgence you can have if you are single. There is no way I would be spending this kind of cash on myself if I had someone else to make a fuss of. I went and gone and bought myself the new Nintendo games console and I did so for one reason, there is a new legend of Zelda game out.

For those unfamiliar with one of the longest running video game franchises, Zelda first appeared in the mid eighties and it a type of game called an rpg or role player game, where you go on quests, solve puzzles and… Rescue a princess, who is called Zelda, named after the wife of write F Scott Fitzgerald, the main character is usually called Link. Yes, it’s a ridiculous premise, yes it’s a bit childish, but then so are most things in life and most people for that matter. The point is, whilst my mind is fully engaged in this malarkey, I won’t be actively engaged in all the real world shit that is pissing me off right now.

The first quest though is actually getting hold of one of the consoles and a decent controller to use with it. It took many days to find somewhere that actually had one in stock rather than getting you to sign up to a “pre order” system that could have you waiting forever once they have your nuts in a metaphorical vice. And as I’m typing this I am following my little bundle of consumer electronic joy as it has wended its way to somewhere called larkfield and then on to me.

 I already have the actual game though and it is freaking me out a bit. It’s so tiny! The actual cartridge fits on the end of my finger, and I have suprisingly dainty fingers for a forty six year old bloke. Back in my twenties, when I used to buy games on cartridges you could always tell  how good a game was by the weight of them. Really good games needed more memory and therefor actually had more microchips encased within the plastic shell. This thing though… I’m terrified to sneeze!  Douglas Adams may a very accurate prediction back in the eighties about the Japanese obsession with miniaturisation and how it would be that things would no longer break down, they would just get lost down the back of the sofa.  This, it seems, is that moment. 

Time passes…

Well, it arrived. The console is a clever bit of engineering, everything has dual uses and clips and slides and wotnot, I will be happy when the larger controller turns up in a couple of days though. So I turned it on about midday and looked up next and it was eleven pm, I’d roamed rolling scenery, explored the ruins of places I remembered from other games in the series, done bizarre experiments in cookery. I found hidden treasure  and collected various ancient artefacts and all that. There was the usual killing of goblins malarkey but I’ve always found all that a bit of a nuisance. It’s the puzzle solving I love and finding all the secrets out. I died a lot too, I drowned, fell from great heights, froze to death, got blown up….. The amazing thing though is that I got hopelessly lost a lot as the game is massive, the scale of it boggles the mind. What was really nice though was that for a whole eleven hours I didn’t think about any of the usual crap, the showing off, the bitchyness, the backbiting, the snideyness, the cruelty, the greed, the condescension, the vanity, the drug abuse, the alcoholism, the sadistic tit for tat drivel and nepotism that permeates the air in the town where I live. There is also something refreshing about knowing who your enemy is, you can tell because they are trying to kill you with a sword or hit you with a club. They aren’t quietly spying on you and reporting back to their other shitty chums or cherry picking your ideas or the usual drivel. It would be so nice to live in a world like that all the time, honesty, justice and a defined sense of right and wrong.

Please don’t get me wrong here, I have amazing friends and I know so many lovely, wonderful people. So many positive forces for good, without whom the world would be a much sadder and gloomier place, but I have become utterly exhausted of late, completely physically and emotionally drained by the insincerity of this thing that is laughably described as a community. It’s a thing that is so distorted and messed up in places that it is nigh on impossible for those sucked in to see a world outside of it and I have to deal with it. It is a sad, even pathetic (in the truest sense of the word) that I have to resort to a video game to properly engage in an environment but that is the sad truth of it, it takes a world that only exists within the span of a piece of circuitry to experience a world that represents the best of humanity and there isn’t a single human being in it. 

Visit Hyrule, it’s a pity we can’t stay.


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