The Great Kazoo mystery

It was blowing a gale last night. I can deal with that, in fact, I rather like it. There is something rather lovely about being tucked up under the covers of a nice warm bed while the wind howls outside and you feel all safe and cosy inside. Thunderstorms are even better but we can’t have everything. It’s that noise that I can’t handle. What noise you might ask? Why THAT noise of course! That mystery noise that you can’t pin down. I’ve been trying to track its origins for about a year now, a weird, howling , zzzzzzzzing sound that bounces around my flat when the wind is blowing from a certain direction. Just what on earth is it? At first I thought it was a bee hive or a wasps nest somewhere in the eaves, but no. Then I had an idea it was something got inside the toucan feathered bird box prop from an installation I worked on at Leeds castle a few years back… Still no. Wind getting under the ceiling paper on the bay window? No! The windows? Hmm….. My latest theory is something vibrating at its natural frequency around the windows, they are in a bit of a state and are getting worse. The curse of living high up in an old building, maintenance tends to involve scaffolding and the like. I’ve done all I can, thick, thermal lined curtains and all that but this noise…. Grrr! 

There is the other option though, it’s an unemployed elf with a kazoo! Seriously, what happened to the shoe maker’s elves? All the shoe maker’s elves everywhere in Britain, there must have been millions around Northampton alone. Since the uk’s footwear industry collapsed and all the jobs were farmed out to factories of dubious repute in South East Asia what happened to all those unemployed little people? What are the doing with themselves? Probably the same as anyone else with time on their hands, getting up to no good…. and getting jiggy with it I guess. There must be loads of them, doing poetry classes, going off on yoga retreats, forming groups and societies, making bad art or maybe learning an instrument. Why wouldn’t one want to play the kazoo? 

The question is, why do they want to play it in my flat? Are the acoustics exceptionally good? Perhaps it’s just that they do it in the garden mostly but only come in when the weather is bad? I would too I guess…. There! It’s a working theory! That’ll do for now!

The reason I hardly slept last night was because an unemployed shoe maker’s elf was playing the kazoo badly in my flat. Good! Now I can get on with my day!


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