I’m not in a good place right now. There is a lot going on in my life that is out of my control and every action that I take is more likely to make matters worse. I’m one of life’s doers and as such this all feels deeply unnatural to me. This is stuff that can’t be rushed though and really I don’t know what I can do for the best. So instead I have to do nothing, and I hate it. I hate every single snail’s pace moment of it. I can distract myself for a while, find little projects to throw myself into but I am painfully aware of what I am doing and I hate every second of it.
I used to deal with this sort of thing by self medicating but that just puts the problems on ice to thaw out another day. Doctor assisted medicating doesn’t fair much better though, or anything for that matter. All that I have is a persistent set of thoughts that rattle about my brain incessantly from the second I awake to the moment I fall asleep and I can’t do a thing about them.
I mentioned the key word there, did you catch it?
Noddy blinkums, night nights, snuzzles, naps, kipping, napping, forty-winks, bed-e-byes, the land of nod, up the wooden hill, catching some zeds. I can’t bear to be concious right now and at every given opportunity I try and turn my mind off and go to bed. I hate myself for doing it though, it’s such an utter waste of time, life is finite and there is so much to do but I just can’t deal with it. I’ve tried all that mindfulness crap, meditation, yoga, whatever and I can’t stand it or all the self indulgent garbage that it represents, it just makes me want to call in an air strike, napalm, incendiary bombs and fire (the metaphorical sort for government agencies and people with no sense of humour) on the whole serene and jogging bottom wearing stinking lot of them. It doesn’t work, my brain knows when it’s being fucked with and mutates virus like to cope with all the trickery.
So instead I sleep, trying to wait it all out, hoping things will take a turn for the better whilst suspecting they probably won’t. Knowing full well that a day will come when I look back at that wasted time and hate myself for doing it.
But until that day comes I’ll sleep.