There is so much I want to write about, so much I want to say but words are always a poor substitute for feelings. I’ve woken up with that empty hole gnawing away at me again. It’s ever present, it went away a few times over the summer but the reason for that has gone now it seems. The void is here inside me right now, telling me what a low priority I am, telling me of all the things I am less important than, bumped down from high priority to file and forget through a series of arbitrary decisions, then briefly yanked out, re-examine and stuffed back in the drawer again, only to fall down the back with the dead woodlice and calcified spiders somewhere on the floor to be ignored forever, discarded and left to rot.
I will pull against the void for hours now, as I do most days, reminding myself that only I can give myself self worth and to expect to get it from someone else is foolish at best, insane at worst, as insane as the situation is. Fighting against the knowledge that, in the end, even the crumbs of the cake I got when all the slices had been given away were just too much for someone as irrelevant as me. Even having the guts to put this out in the world will be casually marked down as self pity, another reason why I need to be jettisoned.
So the fight continues day by day, distraction, achievement, self validation, pouring it all into the void that never feels like it will be filled with a voice in my head reaffirmed by the actions of others telling me how little I matter whispering constantly in my ear. “Because you’re worthless!”
God! I’m so tired!