I’m lying here listening to the clock. Concious of the time, concious of my heart beating in my chest. The heart that has caused me so much trouble this year and that has been the inspiration for my art show. The art show into which I have invested so much time and money and effort. I feel very lonely at this moment, it’s too early and the world is asleep. It’s a bank holiday Monday and almost everyone else is going to make the most of it, having lie ins, seeing family and friends, catching up with all those things they never get around to doing. I’m just lying in bed, a cold feeling in my chest, feeling helpless. So much is beyond my control, the prints that need packing are probably sitting on the jobs completed table at the printers, behind the standard st leonards issue metal bars across the doors. My tea towels, so lovingly designed, so much time spent by me getting them just right are in potential somewhere in the ether, screen made up but never inked, waiting in line in a warehouse. My pride and joy just job number whatever on the list amidst a sea of corporate branding and signage that someone, not me, has to do. But not today, today is the dead day. To me, time is meaningless, there is no clock to clock off from, no Monday blues, no Wednesday hump day, no piss off early tomorrow’s saturday. Just and endless stream on ideas and an endless stream of now. Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
I shall get up in a minute, I need to make a point of sale, possibly two, more picture labels, do a stock check, work out a packing order, hanging order, think about where people are more likely to knock into things and place canvas’s there rather than glass frames. Think, what is seen first when someone walks in and what will leave an impression when they walk out again. Knowing all the while deep down that this is a large cafe rather than the Hayward or the Tate, that inner Hitler in me, the primadonna, the inflated ego, the potential for frustration and embitteredness kept in check by my sense of humour want more control of their environment, want the money and the clout to get things done now, bigger, better. More!
I need to focus on how far I have come, from gibbering wreck, to shut in, to a stranger in a strange town, to doing this , to doing that, feet on the ground Chris, feet on the ground. I must get up now, much to do, I have put the day off for too long.