Hello it’s Chris here. I’ve thrown the Dweeblings a big pile of biscuits in an attempt to wrestle back control of my WordPress account. Even if it is just for an afternoon. I, wisely I think, handed over the reigns of my blog for the last few weeks as it was dawning on me that I was clearly too rabidly crazy to be let anywhere near the thing.
It’s weird going mad, you don’t ever really catch yourself when you are drawing hurtful pictures or scrawling elegant but poisonous prose and go “wow! Look at me! I’ve really lost it this time” I did a few emails in a similar manner, I never had any intention of the being distressing, hurtful or anything but I guess I was. I think I had a reason for doing something at some point but between grief, hurt, fear and a myriad of primal emotions it all became lost along the way. I think it is safe to say, everything backfired. By way of an explanation (not an excuse) I was like a desperate drowning man thrashing about in the water dragging everything down with him in the panic. In short, I hurt the one I loved, and if you are one of those people out there who genuinely looked on in anger and horror at what was appearing or looked on with, concern, disgust whatever at the savagery and spite then I apologise to you. If you are one of the salacious onlookers who enjoy the car crash of the mentally fragile losing their tenuous grasp on sanity then you can piss right off. I made the private public in an attempt to get some attention and I honestly don’t think it mattered what sort. I threw my toys out of my pram, stamped my feet in the supermarket isle and dida crazy grown up (and I use the term loosely) version of a toddler’s tantrum with an equally lamentable level of success.
The weird thing about going crazy is how little forgiveness or sympathy one gets for one’s actions when you are absolutely bonkers as opposed to those of the physically sick or even the inebriated. You are more likely to be forgiven for spraying dioreah over someone’s new rug than you are for a paranoid accusation or looping obsessive behaviour. When you have surfaced from a period of extreme mental illness you have to survey the wreckage you have created. It is like sobering up after a wild party there is so much to put right and like all parties there are things that are just to broken to fix. I realise I have gone way too far in many areas and I will never be forgiven and I usually front things out and puff myself up as if it doesn’t matter and I don’t care. There is a lot I can’t do or cope with and sometimes I rubbish it and sometimes I break it more to make it look like I meant to do it in the first place. I haven’t been proud of my actions of late but then a lot of them I haven’t been altogether responsible for, not really being in my right mind. As I may have said before, explanation not excuse. I was nuts, suffering loss, psychically ill with unstable angina, had heart meds with terrible side affects, followed by a hospital stay , heart operation and being trapped indoors I didn’t so much loose the plot as send it into a different Galaxy. This hasn’t been the first time I’ve pulled a stunt like this, I have done awful, hurtful crap before. I don’t actually know I’m doing it at the time and sometimes i have just fronted out the grotesque stuff I’ve created out of pride and not being able to fix things by backing down. I handle a lot of stuff very badly and with good reason many people won’t even attempt to meet me half way. I find me hard to cope with and I am me let alone any other poor sod.
The thing is though, the only way I can recover from a period like this is by forgiving myself and if I don’t I get worse and I make matters worse for everyone else too. So to any people out there at whom I have taken a mad swipe and one I love and care for dearly in particular. I am really truly sorry.
I will be letting the Dweeblings back at this for a while though as I reckon they do a much better job than I.