Whatever makes you happy. 

  As some may have gathered, I have been having a bit a rough time of it lately. After seeing my old therapist a few days ago she suggested that I do a few things that remind me of who I am rather than who people think I am or more accurately who they need to think I am to justify their own actions. Given a blank space we can choose to leave it and enjoy the
peace and tranquilly of it, fill it with something wonderful or empty out your two weeks in the sun rubbish bin in the middle of the room. We only really have control of ourselves though! What we do and how we choose to react to what happens and what other people do is really up to us. As I’ve said before I have been playing the role of Jimminy Cricket for a while now and I’m having to slowly get used to not needing to and, if I’m honest, come to terms with the fact that I should never have had to do it in the first place. As a trusted friend of mine often says “some times you just have to let people walk right into the helicopter blades” you can’t stop them doing it but you don’t have to watch. I’ve been given two pieces of homework, the first is to write a timeline since I left therapy so that I can see any patterns that have formed and appreciate my achievements and learn not to repeat my mistakes. The second if to do a new project about something positive, rather than dealing with and reacting to the crap that others have slung at me. To be fair I have slung back but I need to centre myself again, I know who I am and what I represent and so long as I can steer clear of other people’s nonsense I will be able to achieve things that I can be proud of.

I put a call out on Facebook today asking everyone what there favourite thing is and the responses have been rather fascinating. A very old friend and a fellow cancerian gave a list of the most exquisite creature comforts that really made me smile. There was lots of nature, lots of walk, lots about the sea and sun lots about good friends and family. Surprising little about booze and no one so far has mentioned sex or even their partner strangely enough. Lots about children and also lots about the absence of their children (usually the same people) Creature comforts but no stuff, no cars, no tellies, no trainers. 

So what do I like? Well I’m feeling the loss of one of those and I’m done with talking about it now. Apart from her…. Art, the making, painting and drawing thereof. The sea, I am away from it for the day today and I feel its distance like a niggling pain. Books, real proper paper books with weight and pages and that smell. Nice clothes, shoes, really nice pants. People obviously but only the lovely ones, particularly my family. The interesting thing though is no one has come out with anything nasty or cynical. I have managed to lose those sort of people over the years and the few frenenemies I have under sufferance are now being very very quiet. 

The thing I seem to appreciate most though are the absences. Absence of pain most importantly, followed closely by the absence of awful people, that is the best thing about some people, them not being there. I think, on reflection, the best time I had with my ex (certainly the easiest) was when her single white female friend flipped out and frightened her away. My heart sunk the day she came back on the scene. Absence on noise is also a big one, that wonderful moment when someone’s awful music finally stops, that is a big deal too.  I guess I could probably cognitively reframe each of those things if I thought about it hard enough but I think seeing absense of any kind as positive is a good thing as it helps counteract the elephant in the room large one. 

Well there is one thing I never have and absense of and that is ideas and with the raw material I gathered today I should be kept busy and out of trouble for ages. As for time though, well that’s another matter. Who knows? 

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